The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
You Might Also Like
Ion see the issue
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding