I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Don’t tell me what to do
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking