[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
groan^2
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
pizza
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.