(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
🤣dope
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.