I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
God making man in his image was the original selfie
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around