I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you know, you know
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.