Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.