@causticbob I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
@i_wasnt_looking one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
You Might Also Like
@causticbob 
@Smethanie The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
@LackOfShame Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
@MatCro [murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
@_little_old_me I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
@NikiWithIssues Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
@LibyaLiberty My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
@jonnysun DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
@chelsealockw00d So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
@Carbosly It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.