one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Help Wanted
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Velcrow
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Basically.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral