one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.


The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor


Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions


[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea


I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.


Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.


My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”


DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,


So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.


It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
It’s a place where we make fire.
Diving in the sky.

Humans are creative.