them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar