My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
You Might Also Like
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Meow
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
time for some seasonal decor
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.