I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
IT’S-A ME,
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog