I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Meowchelangelo
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.