I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Welcome to the stomach
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally