bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”