bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
logging onto twitter…
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life