Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
#SuperBowl
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.