What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed