Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me