If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.