Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Google Pay be like:
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay