Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
You Might Also Like
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”