[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
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Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?