I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
He’s dead
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: