Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Lube but for my dry humor.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery