girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!