girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
![]()
You Might Also Like
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
scared to check what name she chose
![]()
![]()
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Yes
![]()
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job