that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?