due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“I FIXED IT!”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.