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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
How wrong was this guy?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.