5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.