I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
The struggle is real.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Grandmother clock.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.