I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Happy weekend !
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*