@Stellacopter

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

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@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

@TragicAllyHere

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@HollyMemphis

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

@BuckyIsotope

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

@withanewname

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”