Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
That de-escalated quickly
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
this isn’t threatening at all
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”