Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

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You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed


“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂


A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.


“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever


Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.


Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.


“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”


[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”