murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I mean…but I did