Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.