there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Note to self: I am a note
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.