You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
welcome back
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.