If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Hello, my name is Pierre.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed