Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.