*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
my favorite genre of twitter