kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
White Castle for the Win
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment