[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
SCARY COSTUME
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
When ur friends with white people
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff