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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
as is their right
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us