Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.