When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”