*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?