Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach