An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.