@AmmaarJoosub

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

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@Playing_Dad

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

@JohnLyonTweets

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@IamJackBoot

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

@MelKassel

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

@LurkAtHomeMom

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

@PhilJamesson

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

@clichedout

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@ClickBaite

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U