I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
*orders delivery*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.