I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory