My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner đ
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it donât say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: *calls childâs name*
…
Me: *calls childâs name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Whenever Iâm worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldnât forget. People would see me coming and say âthereâs that guy that wonât shut up about losing $100.â
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting âI want a pretty pursey!â but her ârâsâ arenât well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
âWHAT DO WE WANTâ
âVAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCEâ
âWHEN DO WE WANT ITâ
âSOMETIME SOONâ
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”