There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.