No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
You Might Also Like
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”