Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is