wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
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Noted.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Miscakes
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
why am I working on Labor Day
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*